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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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Welcome to my blog. One thing you must know about me is that I do not stay on topic. I love to talk, and I often get awkward. I write how I talk, so it can get messy and incomprehensible. I am a lover, I think about the things I love often. I am friendly, sweet, can be selfish but unintentionally. I love food, and cigarettes. I love all animals, all colors and glitter. I try to see the good in all people, even if they hurt me. I have a 17 month old baby, and he is my life. He is the main reason I laugh and cry. His personality is bright and full of energy. He is a mommas boy, and most of the time, I love it.

I originate from a tiny town in IL, and moved to CO. I came out with my hubby, who is my rock. My family has slowly moved out here as well, my brother moved out in Jan, and my dad came out in May. My past is in IL. I miss all my friends and family, but cannot go back. My life would go into a downward spiral if I were to move back. Not going to subject my family to what could happen over there. My life used to be a whirlwind, now it is lazy and safe. My boys keep me grounded.

My job is wonderful. I work in a medical marijuana dispensary. It is a crazy business, but I love it (even if it gives me tons of anxiety… How ironic)

Either way, welcome to my crazy rantings. I will probably be talking about my baby a ton… It will be nice to have a better record of all the cool stuff he does and quit bothering my employees with continuous bragging of him.

Have a beautiful rest of your day, dear reader, please remember to stop and enjoy the little things.

Why y’all gotta keep on dying?

Seriously. Kids I grew up with in my hometown are just dropping like flies. So many deaths! This is horrible!! Just lost a sweet girl to a car accident. Rumors on Facebook say the driver was drunk. Idk if that’s true…. Karli doesn’t seem like the kind of girl that would have gotten into a car with a drunk driver so idk if that is true. I have lost soo many people. Brett, Ali, Dylan, Brittani, Darryl, Kyle, Mel, Jake, Becky, Mallory, Dell, Travis, Timmy, Donnie and now Karli. Gone too soon. All of you had your moments in my life that I didn’t understand were so important until you were gone. Love you and miss you all so much.

Brett. 1990-2005. Car accident

Ali. 1990-2006. Car accident

Dylan. 1989-2006. Overdose

Brittani. 1989-2008. Suicide

Darryl. 1989-2015. Cancer

Kyle. 1989-2015. Suicide

Mel. 1990-2017. Overdose

Jake. 1992-2015. Overdose

Becky. 1985-2018. Heard disease

Mallory. 1991-2011. Car accident

Dell. 1981-2014. Car accident

Travis. 1988-2016. Suicide

Timmy. 1990-2016. Overdose

Donnie. 1978-2018. Suicide

Karli. 1993-2018. Car accident

Gone too soon you all. Miss you all too much.

Where were you 17 years ago, September 11th, 2001?

For me, I was in 6th grade. I went to a Catholic school. I remember my teacher getting a phone call and turning on her TV. We had no idea what was going on? We saw that a plane had hit the twin towers. I had no idea what the twin towers were, but it was scary to see, and the scariest thing was my teachers face. She seemed genuinely frightened. We went to church (it was connected to the school) and slowly all the other classes were there too. All the students knew to be absolutely quiet, even the kindergartners. We were told to kneel and pray for those who died. We were scared that all of us were under attack even though we were in IL far away from New York. They were afraid that Chicago was next and then the rest of the country. We were dismissed early from school and my mom came to get my brother and I. It was weird because my mom worked all the time so she rarely picked us up from school. She wanted to get gas and there was such a long line at the pumps. My mom said everyone was getting gas because the prices were going to go up! She stopped at the gas station closest to our house and told us to walk home. My brother and I walked home and its like we were in a daze. It was such a beautiful day, the weather was warm and perfect. We got to my house and my grandma was there. We hugged her for a long time and she was so worried. She told us it was an attack on our county and that our mom may have to go to war because she was in the army. Or my uncles or cousins who were in the military. This scared my brother and I. We didn’t want our mom to go. My grandma cried and it was just a scary time in our lives. We watched the news every day for weeks. We lived in fear that our family would have to leave to go to war. My 6th grade year started off pretty scary.

What about you? Would like to hear experiences of what happened in your lives?

Back to basics

I’m back! Not drinking tonight….as I have to work tomorrow at the job I have been at for 3 weeks! Its been a rollercoaster, let me tell you.

I quit the job I was at for 4 plus years, and am starting at the bottom at my new job.

I quit years of work I had put in, relationships that were amazing, some crazy new people that were ruining the vibes, health insurance, some job insurance (just the fact of seniority and nobility) so much I had in my old job, and I took the new one that pays way less. (Over $8 less!!! Cringe!!!)

Why did I do it?

Mainly because of the commute. The no car situation just killed me. I desperately did not want to spend another winter in Denver fighting so hard to get to work. I was losing myself in anxiety just to get to and from work. It was a major problem and expenditure.

It was freeing, but shit I am freaking out. Lots about money…. Fuck that really scares me. I am gonna lose so much money doing this. And then, the job security. I have made some mistakes in the past 3 weeks. These are rookie mistakes that I should not be making!!! I need to slow the fuck down. What is wrong with me??? What if I lose this job???? I need it! I put in so much work at my previous job to prevent these simple mistakes from happening, but why must I make them? Its quite embarrassing for a manager to do this!

But I can focus on the good right now. My commute is 7 minutes, or a free bus ride. I have so much more time with my family (even though I work 5 days instead of 4!) I don’t have to be a manager and put out fires. And the people I have worked with these last 3 weeks seem like wonderful people! I really enjoy spending time with these co workers💜

This past Friday I went to a going away party for the former general manager. He was the one that was fired in April and when all the ruckus started with the last company. I had a great time. I wanted to go to my co workers house after, but everyone else cancelled and I eventually cancelled on him too. Well, he was going to meet me at the bar so he cancelled first, but I still feel bad about it, cuz he is an awesome person and the main reason of how I got to work all the time. I will text him tomorrow and apologize. I was getting drunk too so I know sometimes texts can get lost in translation.

On another note, how adorable is my baby?

We head to IL next week, and I am stoked to show him off to my family. The last 2 years were hard, as he was a very cranky baby and just generally not fun to be around. But this year is different, he has such a better attitude. It is funny for me to describe a baby as having a bad attitude, but Wyatt was just that for 2 straight years. It was a really hard time, and I felt really embarrassed about it. But since he has been going to daycare, his tantrums have not been near as bad and he is a really great kid. I feel horrible for complaining about my bright and healthy kid, because I love him so much. It was just a hard time. Well, I had better get some sleep. Good night, all!

Translating my toddler

Wyatt has the best pronunciations. I want to gather them here so I can remember this cuteness!

Pleese Car = Police Car

Pwanket = blanket

Swammich = sandwich

Eye nose = eye brows

Unk Jon = uncle John

Starbies = strawberries

Bish = fish

Coco = *I don’t know your name, so I will name you Coco*

There is so many more, I will have to add as I remember!

But…. Why…

Oh man. The drama…

On Tuesday two of my new employees got into it, bad. Like a yelling match. They are both new and over 50 yrs old. I have never dealt with this at my store. Like really? This is a fucking place of business. So now, I have to wait for HR to deal with this shit and they have taken their fucking time. The worst part is that on Tuesday I got a ride home from one of these employees. I had to make a deal with the devil to get home. Ugh fucking life…

On another note, my kiddo has been so great lately. For a 2 year old he has been so funny and happy and entertaining. He is definitely the best kid ever lately. Just so cute and sweet and loving. He makes my life much easier and lighter, lately.

We are making a big ole trek to IL at the end of the month, and family and friends will be so great to see but the drive is horrible. Ugh.

Well.. Gonna figure out something to watch and drain my mind of having to think or worry about shit.

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Freshman year and that horrible relationship pt 2.

Please enjoy my “Pirates of the Caribbean” themed selfie. Taken with a camera! Not a phone! Back in the old days….

Ok recap time- its 2004, i meet dude and we start dating. Dude starts to show some controlling signs but I ignore them and think he is Mr. Sensitive. I get grounded due to bad grades and sneak out with Dude. Him and I start a physical relationship. I am in such big trouble for sneaking out.

Ok. So at this time in my life I am grounded forever. Don’t even think about doing anything fun ever again. I scared the shit out of my family and this is it. No trusting me ever again. I am 15 and I know everything (according to my family)

J and I still have late night talks after school. I wait till my parents are asleep and get a hold of a phone. Or I get on the computer which I prefer because I am tired of talking on the phone and putting it away before I fall asleep. And it is hell trying to get J off the phone. I would literally pretend to fall asleep to get his ass off the phone. But, I guess I loved him. Somehow my mind was kinda screwed up at this time. I knew he was controlling and somehow I pushed it onto myself. I hated myself at that time. I didn’t want to do anything about my problems. I just wanted to lay in bed and let life happen. I had been hoarding pills from friends that they had stolen from their parents, or been prescribed themselves. My hoard was not organized at all so who knows what pills were in there. I would sometimes just take the pill at school to see how it hit me. (Most of these pills were xanax or prozac type pills, sometimes we would get a hold of pain killers.. Those were the best.) One night I can’t remember what the main reason was.. Probably a fight with my parents and not wanting to deal with J and his issues. Well this night I decided to swallow all those pills together to see what would happen.. I wasn’t planning on waking up. I did not write a note, I think I wrote a poem that vaguely described my situation. I called J and didn’t tell him a thing. I told no one. I made it seem like any other night. Nearing the end of the call, I was feeling dizzy. I could barely walk or keep my eyes open. I convinced J to let me go to bed and hobbled to put the phone back. My mind was racing and I was sweating. What had I done? Would I wake up? Sucks for my family and J… But I was a screw up. I was really not worth it.

But I woke up, somehow. When I got out of bed it seemed that the world was shaking. I was shaking. I had a huge buzzing noise in my head. I couldn’t walk, I had to crawl to the bathroom.

I had spent so much time with doing this to myself that I had forgotten that I had a band and chorus competition that day. Shit… What was I going to do? I got myself in the shower to try and sober up. I threw up a ton and started to feel better. Ok.. I could make it.

Somehow I made it to school to take the bus to the competition. I had convinced my closer friends that I was just hungover. I was just sick. My closest friend at the competition helped me run to the restroom so I could throw up. I thought I was going to die throwing up. I was so weak and could barely stand. I told her, “Amber… This wasn’t from alcohol….” and she knew. She was the only one who knew. I was trying to make it through the day, and then I was too far from the bathrooms. Kids saw me running toward the bathrooms and the locker rooms were before the toilets. I threw up all over the locker rooms and sinks before I made it to the toilet. Other kids let our teacher know and he found me a ride home with another family. These wonderful people drove me home, and I threw up all over their car. I felt so horrible. I was so embarrassed.

I got home and continued to throw up and feel horrible. My family just guessed I had a stomach bug. I told J that it was probably stress. I never went to the hospital. I don’t really know how I survived that. Probably all the violent vomiting that I did.

I decided that I would go to cutting instead of pills after that. But not life threatening cuts, just the little ones that were easy to hide and fun to lie about. For some reason I found a fun game in hurting myself and to first see if J noticed, then to see what lie I could come up with. I don’t know why I was like this. I guess something to always keep the drama going. Something to see if anyone noticed me. Spoiler: they didn’t. Really the only time anyone noticed is when I had carved into my wrist and it looked bad. The only person who noticed was J. He said it looked like a burn. I said I had burnt myself on my hair straightener.

Onward with my self destruction.

*Note: To this day only Amber and J know of what happened. I have never told anyone else. To write this in my public blog is a little freaky, but it is nice to release this stage in my life. It happened, but look where I have come. I have made it to the ripe ol age of 28. Holy crap that was a long time ago!*